Back to Iraq and Thoughts on Bliss

Going again through the worst base ever, Ali Al Salem in Kuwait, I experienced déjà vu. There were the same awful company purchased flights (which meant 4 flights between 3 airlines just to get to Kuwait so the company could save a buck), then the 3 hour wait in the airport for the same military bus with shades drawn tight to transport me to another enclosed bus to then get to the base. I was even put in the same exact tent in which I stayed over a year ago. Rows of bunk beds filled with women, I found an empty space at the very back and laid out my two sarongs to function as sheets for the night (oh yeah, and as a towel in the morning – it’s called packing light). I ended up bundled in sweats and a sweatshirt since the AC worked so well in there, a much appreciated fact since it was at least 110 outside. Coming from Oregon’s September chill, it felt miserable. The one difference between this journey through Ali versus last time, though, was that I got out of there after two days instead of six! Thank God, because that place is seriously miserable.

I caught a C-17 with a unit going directly to my base, FOB Delta, the same base at which I spent my first deployment. I was only supposed to be there one week… but as nothing goes as planned, two weeks at FOB Delta went by quickly. James and Binoy, the coffee workers, still remembered my favorite drinks, the same laundry workers greeted me; even the omelet man remembered tomato, ham and cheese! Some of my crew members were also familiar faces, and I was assigned a can right next to the last room I had occupied at that base. When I entered the gym, Daryl was still there, harassing me for “skipping” so many days, just as he used to when our schedules missed each other and he swore I wasn’t working out. All these workers had been there since I left. I had had over 3 months R&R and 6 ½ months in Afghanistan, and they are still there! It breaks my heart to know these men are working for peanuts, sacrificing so much to support their families back home in Uganda, India, Kurdistan, etc… Despite my sadness for them, it was great to see their smiling faces and as I began my first day back at FOB Delta, I felt content and, oddly, at home.  

During those weeks I got settled, re-familiarized myself with the details of flying there, began working out again, and got in a few games of Spades as well (the typical deployment time killer). Then I came to my current base, Camp Echo. It’s so small. Everything is within a five minute walk. My shower house is right behind my can (AWESOME!), the gym is around the corner, laundry is right next to me, and the farthest I have to go is down the road to work. I’ll only be here another week or so, but I’m hoping to come back after a couple months and stay longer. I really like it here. And not only is the setup great, the people are fairly friendly too. Despite that, I have mostly taken this time to be in solitude. 

I’d love to claim a valuable use of all of my free time. I’ve written out goals and to do lists, and I have had some productive hours but I’ve had a lot of relaxed hours. I have slept more here than I thought humanly possible, but not in a depressed, lazy way. It’s been refreshing and I feel rejuvenated.  When awake, I’ve returned e-mails long overdue, dealt with some work issues, and even exercised enough to count as “getting back into it.” Another thing I just began is downloading podcasts to listen to while on shift rather than music. It will be interesting to see what direction my curiosity takes in these short clips of learning. So far I've ranged from listening to the history of chocolate to Napoleon's time in Egypt to Desmond Tutu's thoughts on apartheid and the current reconciliation in S. Africa. It's almost enough to make me want to go back to school...almost.

But here is my guilty pleasure: The sitcom How I Met Your Mother. Upon finishing the episodes on my hard drive, I began searching online. I have streamed hours of footage and have, as of today, caught up to its actual airing. The show itself has gotten a few laughs from me, but it was mostly about numbing my brain. I haven’t written in many months, and I think shutting my brain down for the past weeks has had a good effect. The more I’ve shut it down, the more it starts to wake up in unexpected moments, begging me to use it. I’m writing this, aren’t I? And I have put some time in on other writings as well, which is always good for me. When I attribute that to my wasted hours I don’t feel so bad. :) And in these moments where you’d think I would feel boredom or lonely, I feel bliss.

I can't quite articulate where this sudden bliss came from. What is it that creates emotion? I wish I had a black and white answer to that. I can’t figure out why the feelings of contentment I first learned in Iraq became muddled in Afghanistan and have now resurfaced. Surely this country isn’t something amazing (I understand it’s supposed to be the birthplace of civilization and all, but let’s get serious here. Iraq sucks). My employment is the same as it was in Afghanistan and even my crews here and there are very similar. So, why the sudden bliss? Perhaps it had to do with my anticipation in getting here versus my reluctance of going to Afghanistan (which meant leaving Peru). If my contentment is dependent upon desires, I’ve learned nothing! But at the same time I don’t see a whole lot here that my selfish humanity truly craves, so perhaps it’s not really that. There are moments in which, with no explanation whatsoever, I feel joy rising in my chest, a smile spreads and I chuckle, slightly confused at my own joy and contentment. 

We've all heard how powerful our minds are. What we dwell upon and choose to believe creates our own realities. Personally, when I'm very busy I often forget to intentionally choose my thoughts and find myself instead allowing external factors to guide me through the day and fill my brain accordingly. I'm terrible at making myself take time to be still and think, but when circumstances create that time for me, I greatly feel the positive effects. I'm not terrible at choosing good thoughts when I take the time to choose, but I am terrible at making that time. My quest is to take the lifestyle created on these deployments and learn how to live it long term - to continually take the time to sit and be, to look beyond my own 24 hour period of time and into the world, counting my blessings and allowing joy to fill me despite immediate circumstances, and to find beauty and bliss in the minute details of each day.

And that’s where I am – unmistakably joyful and content for no definable reason. There is a book that has impacted me greatly in recent years since my friend, Jen, demanded I read it. There are a few quotes from that book that come to mind as I think about happiness and bliss and this journey of mine to find a balance between all things. Here they are from Eat, Pray, Love, by Elizabeth Gilbertson:  

(Disclaimer: The book is incredible. Don't judge it based on the movie if you happen to have seen it.)

"Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it."

"I wondered, "Why have I been chasing happiness my whole life when bliss was here the entire time?"

"Life, if you keep chasing it so hard, will drive you to death. Time - when pursued like a bandit - will behave like one; always remaining one county or one room ahead of you,...At some point you have to stop because it won't. You have to admit that you can't catch it. That you are not supposed to. At some point... you... gotta let go and sit still and allow contentment to come to you."