Trusting in Sorrow

It’s been quite some time since I have opened up on these pages. I last wrote about inexplicable bliss in October. Not even 3 full days later the arrival of my birthday was accompanied by thoughts and feelings quite the opposite of bliss. I re-read what I’d written and tried to keep my thoughts focused on healthy positive things; I tried exercising, using my time wisely, praying and taking time to reflect as well. Despite my efforts, I was anxious and preoccupied with unanswerable questions. 

The months that followed those initial pestering thoughts created drastic changes in my heart and mind. My world did a 180 in perspective and direction, only to be shortly afterward followed by another 180 back to where I started. I’ll spare you the reading and me the semi-embarrassment of it all, and just say that it was a mental and emotional whirlwind which I hope to never repeat, and I would love to forget if it weren’t for the lessons learned (it’s almost ironic how our biggest failures and most painful experiences are also our greatest blessings if we learn from them…). What I will share with you is one of those lessons.  

During the pinnacle of suffering – that time when there are no words; you can’t call your best friend; you can’t go out and have fun cause there’s no life left in you; you can’t even find the words to pray – in those moments I began to fully understand what it means to trust in God. I wasn’t sleeping more than a couple hours a night for a few months, and in those restless hours I began to read my Bible. As my eyes followed the letters across the page my heart slowed, my anxiety lessened and my soul rested. Sometimes there were passages that spoke to me directly while other times it was simply sitting in God’s presence and admitting that I needed Him that calmed my spirit. Many times I arose from my steps before God was done with me and immediately a rush of turmoil filled me once again. When I finally got a clue, I’d return back to my “front porch” (the wooden step outside my door) and open the Bible once more, collapsing again into peace.

It took mental and emotional desperation to remind me that God is there for EVERYTHING, not just Sunday sermons and blessing our food. “He will not leave you nor forsake you” and “His peace surpasses all understanding” are phrases I grew up with, and they came alive during those months. I still don’t fully understand all that happened, but I know that we are never given more than we can handle, and when we think we’re past our limit is when we really learn to trust God. 

The past couple months I have been blessed tremendously (seems like the story of my life!) God has given me a best friend to spend my days with, new friends to get my ‘social butterfly’ fixes, a work schedule that allows me to attend church, and consequently a well educated chaplain that preaches wonderful messages to challenge me, as well as teaches a college level Bible study course where I’m learning everything I ignored in my Bible courses in college :) In addition to all this, I have been blessed with the chance to shoot some awesome guns, possibly followed by another chance in the near future. What more could I want?!? (Well, I’d love an iced mocha, a beer and pizza, a massage, a pedicure, and above all else, to have my dog with me…oh yeah, and my friends and family of course, haha). 

This may seem somewhat like a sermon (I am my father’s daughter) but it’s where I am in life, so there you have it. For those of you wondering what I’m doing next, I’m scheduled to be out of here in May. My future is still filled with a lot of question marks, but it’s just one more chance for me to practice trusting God (which is surprisingly harder to do without all the pain and frustration. We humans are so stupid sometimes, no?) I do know that I’m taking my dog for at least a two week road trip as soon as I get back to Oregon, and then I’ve got a trip to Belize planned, but beyond that there are too many variables to tell. Those of you who know me well know that I wouldn’t have it any other way – I may complain at times of all the uncertainties, but we know that’s how I thrive. So, cheers to the unknown future and the possibilities…

If you’d like to see some recent photos, Click here to connect to my photo album from this deployment. If you go to my actual facebook page you can see a couple videos of me shooting which are bound to make you laugh...