Deployed Again: Afghanistan

I'm fighting an all too familiar numbness and forcing myself to put words on paper as if I feel something - anything at all. With the monotony of life and the routines I fall into here, it's easy to just pass the days, one after the next, without realizing how fast time is streaming past me; it's slipping through my fingers. I look at my watch and hours have passed. I look at the date and it's been a week, and then a month. My thoughts and emotions and intentions seem to swirl around my head, mixed somewhere in time and just out of reach. Then it's as if awareness comes rushing back and I realize I'm so far removed from something but I can't quite place it still. And in my confusion it recedes again, like the tide drifting away after beating the rocks awake. But the rocks dry and soon forget the pain.

I can say that my mood is generally 'happy' and things are 'just fine' but I'm living out some passionless days as I settle back into this deployment life. People have asked about the lifestyle here, so I will attempt to describe a little of what ‘deployment life’ means for me. There is a simplicity here, but also so many complications. Once again, I am working on desert soil, 12 hours/day, 7 days/week for 6 months. It is a slightly varied version of one day, repeated daily. Faces change as coworkers rotate to and from the site, but you invariably find the same characters in different bodies – the leaders, the slackers, the angry men, the ambitious men, the goofy men, the lonely men, the reserved men, and maybe a chick – and you’ll never know what you’re getting there… :)

At this site we are launching and recovering 4 times the amount of my old site so I am getting more experience I have much less time to read, write, watch movies, etc…but I hope it helps time go faster (and so far it has!) I have begun exercising again, which is always a good thing. I have gathered new music from new friends and tried to continue friendships via e-mail as much as possible. So far my first month has flown by.

There is simplicity here in that, like before, there are no meals to prepare, no dishes to wash, very little cleaning in my small shared living space, and no traffic to dread. My laundry is easily dropped off, to be picked up the following day and I don’t even have to fold it! Best of all, I don’t have to scrub toilets, as the outhouses are hosed out daily. :) Life is very “easy.”

On the other hand, there are some difficult things. There is the difficulty sleeping on a crappy bed with aircraft continually flying overhead and trucks passing by. There is a lack of nutrition which also drains the body. There are strong personalities one must learn to blend with and live with at least 12 hours every day. There is an overall lack of intelligence and difficulty finding REAL conversation. There are few Christians to learn from or hold me accountable. There is the gossip derived mostly from boredom and the difficulty of attempting to avoid being a part of it, or a victim of it. There is the general drama that seems to engulf these work sites, whether personal or work-related. And there is a lack of personal space, as well as a lack of the ability to see any friends or family. I don’t often crave to “go out” while I’m here, but when I do, it is lonely knowing I am so far away.

I recently discovered a “space” that may become my hideout - an old guard shack, now empty, which probably marked the edge of the base when it was first constructed. It has since been extended to include our operating area and the runway for the Shadow UAV which also flies here. So I sat on an old dust covered cot in my new “tree fort” the other day and wrote for a bit, enjoying the solitude and secrecy.  Speaking of trees – there is basically no life aside from humans on this base. No trees, no shrubs, no weeds, NOTHING. And the only “animals” I have seen are flies, with the exception of a few birds. The first bird I saw, just last week, caused me to stop in the car and stare for quite some time. I miss seeing living things.

This picture shows the lack of "life" around here. That's me and Chad, taking John, the guy in the middle, the air strip for the first of many flights heading home!

Instead of trees and animals, we have dust. It’s a light powdery dust that fills every crack and crevice, covers every surface and floats through the air like the smoke of terrible smelling incense sticks burning ceaselessly. Imagine dumping out bags and bags of flour across the ground at anywhere from 2-12 inches thick. Now try walking through it, or running through it, or running through it as a vehicle passes…even better!

I do have to add here that our vehicles are from Britain so getting used to “backwards” driving has been fun. Except being Americans on the base we still drive on the right hand side of the road – lame.

But back to running through the dust…We have not had a treadmill until this week, which I will now be running on if it’s ever free in the gym. Prior to that running has taken place on the dust/gravel concoction, staring at your feet intently, focusing to avoid twisting an ankle. But our “gym” has been blessed with said treadmill, so hopefully my running will improve. I didn’t realize how lucky I was to have such a wonderful gym at my last base. This one is more like a creative workspace where you use dumbbells for as many things possible. Thank God for the iFitness application to help me figure out the possibilities! Being that the gym is small and I’m not entirely prepared each day due to the lack of familiar machines, there are additional challenges in my day – being motivated to go and secure enough to stay. Avoiding the stares is always awkward, but sometimes it pisses me off enough to motivate a harder workout…bonus! 

One day I ventured across base to another gym, which is TINY, but generally fairly empty so I prefer it. There was a man there that had asked me a question before about an ab workout I was doing, and we generally just smiled and nodded when we saw each other there. On this particular day we began talking toward the end of my workout and it turns out he’s a Christian! He informed it was the season of Lent, which I hadn’t realized, so we discussed it and I decided to give up arguing for Lent (we’ll see how this goes!). Our conversation twisted and turned for an hour until I had lost all motivation to complete my workout but went home smiling nonetheless. He left this base the next day, fortunately returning to his family all in one piece, but it was encouraging to have met someone who shared my views on the bigger picture of life. I’ve needed that.

When leaving the gym I drove past a couple helicopters landing and busted out my iPhone for a quick photo. Not too shabby for a picture with a phone through a dirty window!

The weather is big focus here. It’s logical, considering we’re working with airplanes, but I often feel like the elderly, discussing the weather of all things, multiple times throughout the day. The temperature differences between day and night are drastic. I go to bed in the afternoon with the A/C on, only to invariably wake up around 2000 to switch to the heater. There have also been drastic variations since my arrival in the highs and lows of each day. For example, now I can handle walking from one tent to another during the night (about 30 seconds) in my t-shirt, while just recently I wouldn’t dream of exiting the heated spaces without adding the following to my traditional attire:

Thermals (top and bottoms)

Thick Socks (snowboarding appropriate)

Extra shirt

Jacket

Scarf

Gloves

 I actually wore the scarf covering my whole face but braved the cold for this picture :)

This is Chris and I in one of the cans, I have shed the coat and thermal, obviously, but here's some insight into the dork I am. Everyone loves to ridicule my "style" out here and insists I'm a hippie. Even the new guy that just got here asked me within a day..."are you a hippie?" HA!

It was in the teens and the wind chill put us into single digits! NOT my thing. Plus, we preflight our birds at 0400 (the coldest time of day) so imagine spending hours outside in that trying to use your fingers! I was downright angry at my misery a couple evenings. One day we had a large puddle that had frozen over, so I decided to sled on it in my boots. I made it across, but I was NOT sledding, it was more like cautiously taking baby steps as it wasn’t thick enough ice yet. That same day there was a thick layer of frost on all of our aircraft boxes. I was on ground crew, meaning I was outside for the whole launch and recovery sequence. The other ground crew guy and I had mini “snow ball” fight (“frost fight” is more accurate) while we waited for clearance to launch. That day the cold was worth it, but I can’t say that’s true for any other day I froze my butt off. 

Chris and his threatening 'frost ball'

 

 Boot sledding. Try it.

Now it’s starting to warm up during the day and people are beginning to dread the ensuing heat. Running after work, at noon, is becoming more miserable, but I’m loving the warmth overall. A friend here, Chris, had a skateboard shipped out so I rode around on our small concrete area the other day. Maneuvering between rows of aircraft boxes, the skyhook and two launchers, I only ate it once. In all honesty, though, I was terrible. In fact, since I had trouble going fast enough in such a small space for the turns, one guy handed me a broom and I used that to keep momentum. We decided it will be the next new Olympic sport: Broom boarding. I’d give it 8 years or so and you’ll see it in the summer Olympics.

 This is the 'concrete' pad we use to skateboard on. I'd love to use the runway you can see in the back there, but I'm pretty sure that wouldn't go over so well.

I mentioned earlier that you never know what you’ll get when there’s a female on site. There are two here, one contractor like me and one Marine. The contractor, Sabrina, with whom I share a room, works the opposite shift so I really know nothing about her. We don’t sit and talk or play cribbage like the female co-worker from my last site, Kim, and I did. I attempted to get her to talk at shift change again recently, and as my Grandpa Moen would say, “Tough Titties.” The same could be said of the Marine.

If you’re a praying individual, feel free to pray for wisdom and love for me. It seems that I cannot escape the challenging people in this world even by coming to Afghanistan (it might even be worse here because there’s no escape from them!) I find it hard to look at some people here with love, but know it’s possible so I will keep trying. I’m also struggling with taming my tongue. I encountered this in Iraq, as well, with a culture centered on gossip, and as I continually failed to just shut my mouth there, I am repeating history here. It’s so easy to just blurt out your opinions and thoughts, but these are not trusted friends that I can appropriately vent to, these are coworkers with whom I must live in VERY close proximity for another 4 months at least.  So, with reminders even taped to my wall, every day I try again. Wish me luck.

One challenge I've experienced here is the racism and hatred toward the Afghanis living on base. There are also many Filipinos, but most of the rude comments are directed towards the Afghanis. It is so sad to see these men, representing America, and realize that there are so many who think just like them. I practically jumped from a moving vehicle one day to keep from blurting out in anger at the men in the car. We had gone to a chow hall for breakfast, but there were "too many locals there" - I will spare you the details of what these guys said, but they turned around and left for another chow hall so they didn't have to eat with them. By time we got back to the site I had heard enough and was out of the car and gone before it had even stopped in its parking space. 

I want to connect with the locals in some way - to meet them and hear their stories - but being a female contractor the extent of my interaction with them that would be considered appropriate is to say hello and thank you and wish them a good day. And here are these men that have the capability to interact with them and they shun the Afghanis, refusing to even shake hands. They are not all like this, of course; some of the men here are very kind and polite and would never behave that way. And I understand the fear of wondering who really is on our side, and who is Taliban having infiltrated the ranks, but I refuse to let that fear control me into acting with such distaste and disrespect. I have a couple pictures here of Afghanis working right over the berm next to my room. I spied and got some pictures through the wire :)

OK, so I've talked about the morons out here, but they're not all bad. And I must add that although life is repetitive and rather dull, there are some individuals who bring much laughter to my days.This is a picture of Chad and I, with Jerry trying to sneak his way into the shot. Chad is at another site now, but Jerry is still here as our night lead. 

As I said, people come and go frequently, but there is generally always at least one person that makes me smile. During my first week here, I left my can (room) to start my work day. As I was walking past one section of the site toward the other, John ran out and says to me frantically, “Hey – can you help me get this bird up!? We just had one crash and need to get another one up quick!” I had just woken up, desperately needed to pee, and could hardly see straight, but I threw my bag down and snapped to it heading toward the aircraft box. I was clarifying, “This is the bird, right?” as I reached down to open the cover….then out flies Rob from the bird box screaming and sending me almost to the ground and struggling not to pee my pants from laughter and/or fright. They definitely jump started my day! Unfortunately, that group of guys is all gone now, but there are good moments such as this one on a regular basis. Here's a shot of John and I after I had forgiven him for tricking me that night.

My favorite coworker, Brian, who I was with in Iraq, with showed up here for a few weeks before he was sent to another site, and although he was on day shift, we overlapped our days to play spades or enjoy a cigar or just sit and visit. It was wonderful having him around while it lasted.

Today a group of us got the ratty soccer ball out and kicked it around – me…SOCCER!? Yep. It was pretty bad, I’m not gonna lie. Before too long I switched to golf. A bunch of guys had a few clubs shipped out so I attempted chipping and it went MUCH better than soccer. I actually enjoyed watching my ball sail through the air into the open desert, even though I knew I then had to go get them all. It might be another goal of mine while I’m here: learn how to golf.

This was our soccer field, and that last can on the far left is my room

I've joked with a few of the more intelligent, mature men here that this place surely makes one dumber as you lower your vocabulary and avoid deep conversations. It's very true. I've even found myself using the filler word, "like" frequently - am I some ditsy valley girl now or what!? So, in order to maintain a certain level of intelligence and depth to my spirit, I have created a list of goals for myself, both measurable and attainable, to accomplish during my time here. This list includes "intellectual health" items such as reading a certain amount monthly and studying Spanish to prevent from losing more than I already have since my departure from Peru. It also includes "emotional/spiritual health" items such as writing poetry and other little bits like this one you are currently reading, having reflection times, etc..., as well as "physical health" items such as regular exercise, attempting to sleep and eating healthy.

I’ve really picked up on the physical health goal as I’ve started doing an intense workout program. No excuses, if it’s on the list I do it. And when it looks like I’m doing them too easily Chris yells at me do to more weight and oddly enough I listen to him. 4 days a week are doubles, there is at least some cardio every day, and Sunday is the only day off (and with no work days off, I now have an official weekend day to look forward to!) As for the other goals, I’m trying. I find myself thinking a lot, but without writing it gets lost in the abyss of my brain and I doubt I learn from it. Hopefully the urge to write will return.

The other goal I’ve been doing OK with is my reading goal. I’ve actually read more than double my original goal, and one of those books was about the story of our lives (A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, by Donald Miller). It’s hard to describe briefly, but basically a man is making his memoir into a movie, and in the process of editing his own life for the screen he learns a lot about making his life more interesting and in all bluntness, more worthwhile. Using what he has learned about ‘story’ for books and movies, he begins to make changes to his life to create his own more interesting story. I want my life to likewise be an adventure, and even stuck in Afghanistan I believe I can experience some form of adventure; and no adventure is complete without learning something. Being that I feel numb to the experience right now I’m trying to jump start this learning with books. There is always something to learn from a story, right?

I began with He’s Just Not That Into You. Finding it on my Kindle and curious about its title, as well as where it came from as I’d never heard of it, I whisked through that in a day. It was a strange read, but it had good reminders about how a woman should be treated and when I’m someday ready for all that mushy stuff I’ll have those reminders for what standards I require. Next was The Joy Luck Club with interesting stories and a reminder about just how lucky I am to have such wonderful parents. It left me with watery eyes wanting to KNOW my parents more fully (I promptly sent them a handwritten letter demanding essays and truths they have discovered, as well as telling them how much I love them, of course).

Then I hit a jackpot with Dr. Wes Stafford’s Too Small To Ignore. I would like to share some thoughts on that. Maybe it will spark some thoughts for someone who may read this, and in turn case some change for you. There will be a separate post for that, as this is getting lengthy. For now I'll leave you with a couple more pictures from the site out here.

 

This was a beautiful sunrise one morning that I caught looking over a berm

This was the day they opened a PX on base (yes, now we have shampoo and some snacks and even STARBUCKS FRAPPUCCINO available!) Unfortunately, the lines were so long to get into the small tent space that it took quite some time before we were ever able to actually go and get those frappuccinos.

I want to say thank you to everyone who has given me so much support during my time out here, and thank you for the packages of goodies that are combating my attempts to get in shape :) I appreciate all the e-mails and messages that keep me encouraged and feeling connected to those of you back home.